Holidays In Hell: Halloween

October 28, 2010

You’d think with all of the creepy, macabre things we have going on down here on a day-to-day basis that we wouldn’t have much use for Halloween. Well, you’re wrong. Halloween is very much a popular pastime down here in Hell.

However, as with most things down here, you may notice a few minor changes…

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Internet In Hell: Facebook Quizzes Aren’t as Awesome

February 3, 2010

The Internet has brought us some amazing innovations over the years. It’s changed the way we shop, the way we date, the way we do almost everything. However, the Internet’s true potential wasn’t realized until Facebook launched its first quiz application.

Now people from all over the world can really dip into their psyche to learn such important information about themselves such as which “Sex and the City” character they most identify with and which flavor of Skittle best suits their personality.

Unfortunately in Hell, these quizzes are filled with mundane information that isn’t really of any use to anyone. Worse than that, the results are broadcast to everyone the quiz taker knows. Oddly enough, those lucky recipients won’t care to know that information either.

Beauty in Hell: Sunkist Tans

February 2, 2010

On Earth, a few hours in the sun is all it takes to give most people a healthy glow. Skin tones generally run the gamut from light tan to golden brown and every shade in between.

However, when your main source of warmth is the burning sulfur that surrounds you, your skin turns a sickly, unnatural orange. A fair comparison would be to imagine what your face would look like if someone smeared it with a handful of fresh diarrhea.

It’s not all bad though, the searing radiation from the hellfire, brimstone, etc will leave you with a sweet, finger-in-a-lightsocket-style hairdo.

Dating In Hell: Who Gets to Date Jennifer Aniston?

February 1, 2010

They say there are two constants in life; death and taxes. Well, over the years a third constant has been added to that list…

Every male will get to date Jennifer Aniston for at least fifteen minutes.

I know what you’re thinking, you’ve never dated Jennifer Aniston. And, that may be true. The Brad Pitts, John Mayers, Vince Vaughns, Tate Donavans, and Counting Crows of the world have had more than their fair share of time dating her. But fret not, America’s favorite “Friend” is working her way around to you.

Unfortunately, if you die and are sent to Hell, you forfeit your opportunity to date Jennifer Aniston.

But don’t worry, your fifteen minutes of getting to date Courtney Love is still in play.  Good luck with that, Tiger.

Beauty In Hell: Axe Body Spray Is Totally Ineffective

July 15, 2009

axeOn Earth, it’s a well known fact that all it takes is a single spray of Axe Body Spray to create a stampede of sexually-willing females. These women, exhibiting a condition commonly known as “The Axe Effect,” have been known to treat the unsuspecting Axe user like a hyperactive hobby horse.

Sadly, once you pass through the fiery gates of Hell, Axe Body Spray’s lust-inspiring powers are completely negated.

It’s not all bad though, the fragrances still work. If you enjoy smelling of “Touch,” “Clix,” “Essence,” or “Phoenix” on Earth, you’ll be relieved to know you can still bask in these enchanting aromas in the afterlife.

TV In Hell: Morons Being Moronic

July 7, 2009

The good news: There is television in Hell.

The bad news: It all sucks.

In the old days, Hell’s airwaves were home to untalented actors and actresses such as Keanu Reeves and Pauly Shore. After a hard day’s work at the brussels sprout mines, Hell denizens had only two entertainment options available; punching themselves in the groin or watching the “Shanghai Surprise” channel.

But now with the invention of reality television, there’s a wide variety of mind-numbingly awful programs to choose from. Who needs a script or a plot, when you can follow the exploits of overprivileged twits and their insipid lives?

The integration of reality television was so critical to the improvement of misery quotas across Hell, that the TV executive credited with coming up with the groundbreaking “Lock drunks in a mansion with booze and cameras” theorem was rewarded with one less punch in the groin.